Friday, August 29, 2008

Captivating: The Search for the Heart of Femininity

Okay, so I've been reading Captivating, because someone gave it to me awhile ago and it's pretty popular, so what the heck, right? These are mainly just my thoughts so far. As a quick summary: I like where she is going, but not how she gets there. Let me let explain:

While I agree with a lot of Stasi is saying (so far, I'm only like 30 pages in) I don't really like the way she proves her points. It seems that her basic premise is that there are these inherent desires in young girls that are the essence of femininity, and that society teaches girls to ignore or repress these desires, and if grown-up girls could get back to their childhood and understand, accept, and fulfill these desires in a healthy way, they would have become true women. In order to support most of this, she uses a lot of 'remember back to when you were an innocent girl, unspoiled by the influence of society...' arguments.

I think that's an overly idealistic argument. There is a lot of purity of thought in youth that is later corrupted by society. On the other hand, I have worked with kids all my life, and children are not innocent by any stretch of the imagination. We may not be born evil, but working with kids has convinced me that everyone is born inherently selfish. Just because young girls share similar desires of their hearts doesn't mean that fulfilling those desires will lead to happiness or Godliness. There are a lot of desires kids have that are really bad ideas, and we train them out of them for a reason.

Secondly, Stasi criticizes Proverbs 31, (actually, she criticizes an interpretation of Proverbs 31, but she says it as though she is criticizing the Bible itself.) Basically, Stasi paints a picture of Proverbs 31 imposing a tyranny on women to work hard to support their husband and family that is unhealthy and impractical. She comes to the conclusion that it is bad because it is impossible to fulfill. She offers no alternative interpretation or explanation of how divinely inspired Scripture is causing damage. She does not even suggest that it has been misinterpreted.

Now, possible Stasi will come back to this point later and explain how God's Scripture is always edifying when correctly interpreted, but I feel like she should have done this in the same section as she wrote about the harm of Proverbs 31. She should have at least emphasized (or even mentioned) that she has a problem with an interpretive theory, not Scripture itself. I think the way she has it written now erodes people's respect for Scripture.


Despite the fact that I don't appreciate her means, I think her main points may have some validity. In essence, Stasi argues that women have three basic longings, and that most destructive behavior and attitudes stems from repressing these longings. She says that if females can recognize these longing and learn to pursue their fulfillment in a healthy way, they will have discovered "what it means to be a woman," or "the heart of femininity."

Stasi says that every girl/woman wants "to be romanced," "an irreplaceable role in a great adventure," and "to unveil beauty." I think this might be true of every person, but I won't go into that here. In explanation of her first longing, Stasi explains that women want someone to pursue them, someone to work for their love. She uses the example of her boyfriend (now husband) leaving poetry on the windshield of her car and craving her a wooden heart.

While I think it's really important to do things like that in a relationship, I also think that different people express love in different ways, and for a lot of people being romance looks nothing like poems and carvings. For some people, being romanced is a lot more low-key. I do believe in Love Languages, and I think there is an over idealization of one or two of them that has made courtly love all flowers and poetry, whereas in reality there is a much greater spectrum to the expression of love.

However, I agree that the desire to be pursued/romanced is a legitimate, healthy desire and it's great if women want to pursue that. As a guy, I would generally try to make my girlfriend/wife feel 'romanced' although I think I would try to make it a little more down-to-earth because a lot of girls I know would feel pretty uncomfortable with some of the ideas Stasi suggests (such as leaving notes on windshields.)

By "an irreplaceable role in a great adventure," Stasi seems to mean an important and integral, yet ultimately supportive role in the quest of a man. She compares this to being the heroine in a war movie or action-drama. She uses such examples as Cora from The Last of the Mohicans or Arwen and Eowyn in The Lord of The Rings.

I am a man on a mission. I want to spend my life helping youth become more like Jesus Christ. That is what I have decided to commit my life to, and I will pour most of my talents, abilities and resources unto that altar unless I get a clear message from God instructing me otherwise. I see myself as a soldier in the Lord's army, and I have standing orders to advance the Kingdom, particularly in the youth world. As such, the idea of a woman who is committed to the same or similar mission is extremely attractive to me. Yet more attractive is the idea of a woman who is committed to such a ministry and wants to partner with me in this mission (and others, for example, raising children.)

I think woman like that are great, but I'm not sure that every woman has that desire or need. Firstly, I think some women are drawn to missions that do not have a significant male figure, because I know that, biblically speaking, some women (and men) are called to celibacy. Perhaps Stasi meant for the masculine figures in her examples to represent God, rather than a husband, but she didn't say that. If she meant God and not a husband, then it seems to me like the exact same thing could be said of men.

I didn't mean for this to be this long, because the main point I wanted to address was her third, on unveiling beauty. However, I think I will do this in a separate post, because I am kinda tired. The topic of feminine beauty is a whole other discussion, and I would like to be able to devote an entire post to it.

I know I seem pretty critical of Captivating, but I really don't dislike it. I know it has done a lot of god for a lot of people, and I respect that. I more dislike the method of it, but I think the message and points are very good. Also, I admit that I have only read a small part of it so far, and my opinion could change a lot. I am going to read the whole thing and reserve judgement until the end. These are only my thoughts so far.




********* <---[To attract attention]
If you are a girl, I would LOVE to hear your opinions on this, especially on Stasi three desires of the feminine heart. You know I always love any kind of comment, but I especially would like to hear what you ladies think on this one, because I acknowledge that I am in no way qualified or informed on this subject. If you (guys and girls) have read Captivating, I would also love to hear your comments on the book.

Personality Test

I had to take a personality test for one of my classes. I have the results, and I thought I would post them. I think they describe me very accurately, except that I don't think I am good with languages.

Quoted from humanmetrics.com:

Idealist Portrait of the Healer (INFP)

Healers present a calm and serene face to the world, and can seem shy, even distant around others. But inside they're anything but serene, having a capacity for personal caring rarely found in the other types. Healers care deeply about the inner life of a few special persons, or about a favorite cause in the world at large. And their great passion is to heal the conflicts that trouble individuals, or that divide groups, and thus to bring wholeness, or health, to themselves, their loved ones, and their community.

Healers have a profound sense of idealism that comes from a strong personal sense of right and wrong. They conceive of the world as an ethical, honorable place, full of wondrous possibilities and potential goods. In fact, to understand Healers, we must understand that their deep commitment to the positive and the good is almost boundless and selfless, inspiring them to make extraordinary sacrifices for someone or something they believe in. Set off from the rest of humanity by their privacy and scarcity (around one percent of the population), Healers can feel even more isolated in the purity of their idealism.

Also, Healers might well feel a sense of separation because of their often misunderstood childhood. Healers live a fantasy-filled childhood-they are the prince or princess of fairy tales-an attitude which, sadly, is frowned upon, or even punished, by many parents. With parents who want them to get their head out of the clouds, Healers begin to believe they are bad to be so fanciful, so dreamy, and can come to see themselves as ugly ducklings. In truth, they are quite OK just as they are, only different from most others-swans reared in a family of ducks.

At work, Healers are adaptable, welcome new ideas and new information, are patient with complicated situations, but impatient with routine details. Healers are keenly aware of people and their feelings, and relate well with most others. Because of their deep-seated reserve, however, they can work quite happily alone. When making decisions, Healers follow their heart not their head, which means they can make errors of fact, but seldom of feeling. They have a natural interest in scholarly activities and demonstrate, like the other Idealists, a remarkable facility with language. They have a gift for interpreting stories, as well as for creating them, and thus often write in lyric, poetic fashion. Frequently they hear a call to go forth into the world and help others, a call they seem ready to answer, even if they must sacrifice their own comfort.

Princess Diana, Richard Gere, Audrey Hephurn, Albert Schweiter, George Orwell, Karen Armstrong, Aldous Huxley, Mia Farrow", and Isabel Meyers are examples of a Healer Idealists.

Thursday, August 28, 2008

Apartment Windows and a Lonely Crowd

I like to stand by my window and look out over the city. I like the architecture, and I think the lights spreading out over the cityscape are beautiful.

Sometimes while I look out, (but not very often) I see someone else in their apartment window. Usually the apartments near Moody are dark and empty, but today I saw someone reading and someone else watching TV.

I wonder what those people's lives are like. Are they happy? Are they content? Do they have real friends? Do they have the peace I have in Christ? If not, could I show them, if I knew them, or are they closed to the idea? What could they teach me about life, or love, or God? What are they passionate about? Do they like art, or fishing, or business management models? What music do they listen to?

I often wonder this when I see strangers. It's why I like to people watch. I see people driving or walking on the street, and I wonder where they are going, and why they are going there? Where do they work, and do they like it there? If I could talk to their teenage selves, would they be surprised at where they ended up, or are they doing what they always wanted? Is it what they thought, or are they disappointed?

I desire very deep relationships, much more so than most people seem to desire. Consequently, my relationships are almost completely much less deep than I would like, but that's okay. I think I want relationships that are deeper than is possible this side of heaven. I think that will be one of the coolest things about heaven for me: knowing fully, even as I am fully known.

Sociologists call this 'The Age of the Lonely Crowd' because people are more connected and in greater proximity than ever, but they are also more lonely and have more shallow relationships than ever. Some say this is why we have so many problems with depression or random shootings and such. I think it may be a contributing factor.

I was thinking about Moody and my church and my high school, and I think for most people in each place, they are lonely crowds. Lots of shallow relationships of lonely people drifting among the masses. Close friends are an incredible blessing, I hope you cherish them. I also hope you wonder, upon occasion, if you really know your friends as well as you think. I hope you don't have to wonder if anyone knows you like you think.

I think it would be cool if I met one of those apartment dwellers in heaven and got to find out the answers to my questions. I look forward to knowing what you thought after you read this article, and what you did next, and if you ever had the same questions. I doubt I'll know in this life, but I'm okay with that.

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

Purity

I know this topic has been done to death in some Christian circles, but I feel the need to weigh in. Today we had the all-hall meeting at Moody, which is basically a meeting where you get introduced to the residence life staff and talk about some policies and some plans for the year for your dorm. Every year for the last while, the leadership of Moody have talked about the issues of masturbation and pornography, which I think is really important. Please understand that this article is for Christians, only. If you are not a Christian, you will probably not understand my view on this at all. Right now, I am not explaining it. Once again, this is written only for Christians.

More than half of male Moody students eventually admit that they were using pornography at the time they arrived at Moody. I would strongly suspect that there are many who never admit to it. I also suspect that pornography and masturbation use among girls is much higher than statistics would suggest because there is much more shame and secrecy associated with sexual sin among females than among males. (1 in 3 users of porn sites are female.)

Honestly, I think the Church as a whole handles issues of sexual sin almost as badly as it possibly could. At most churches, the most any pastor will do to address sexual sin is preach a vague sermon once a year on the dangers of sexual sin. For a nation that idolizes sex, this is simply not good enough. For too long the Church has swept all issues sexual into a corner.

This is neither Biblical nor effective. Most of today's Christian youth are struggling with sexual sin, and very little it being said to them about it. Most of today's Christian youth would like to be free of sexual sin, but they don't know how to be. It's not as simple as 'try harder, pray more, and just stop sinning.' There are people in their churches that know how to help, but the addicts are afraid that, if they reveal their sin, they will be judged and rejected. This is especially true among women.

Also, rarely do the people that know how to help talk about it. People who are struggling have no idea who to go to or how they will be received because the Church refuses to give it the necessary public attention.

If we could be open and honest about the problem, we would be very close to solving it. However, for that to happen, people have to know that they won't be judged and ridiculed for admitting that they have a problem. And that means that people who aren't struggling in this area need to step out and talk about sexual sin, and admit that they have done things that are just as bad, because all sin really is equally heinous in the eyes of God. We need people to offer to talk to those who may be struggling with sexual sin and let them know that it's okay, even good, to come forward. And we need those struggling with sin to be passionate enough for God that they are willing to confess their sins to others in order to work toward holiness.

I think another big problem in the Church is that we don't really value purity. We degrade and shame people who aren't pure, but we don't really praise or honor those who are. I think this especially important across the gender barrier. If guys knew that girls respected them for not masturbating, rather than thinking there was something wrong with them, there would be that much more motivation for purity. In the same way, if guys would refrain for channeling their interest towards the most flirty, most scantily dressed girl, and rather honored purity among women instead of making fun of it, be could raise up our sisters in Christ in a new way.

I am a part of a group called the Barbarians, which deals with much, much more than sexual sin. We are a fraternity of Christian all over the world that strive to live all out for God. We strive to excel in all areas of Godliness, from speech to good study habits to emotional control to sin issues such as pride, lust, etc. If you are a Moody man, and you would like to join the group, let me know and we would be happy to talk to you about the possibility of joining. If you are a man from somewhere else interested in starting or finding a local chapter, send me a message and I will see if there is a group in your area or where we should go from there. If you are a female, there is a sister group (which I believe calls themselves the fairies) that I may be able to connect you too.

If you struggle with sexual sin, I want to say a few things to you.

1. You're not a freak. God still loves you. We, the Church, still love you. We won't judge you, we won't condemn you, we won't think you're weird or that we're better than you.

2. It's not okay. Sexual sin is an offense to God. Paul says, "Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a man commits are outside his body, but he who sins sexually sins against his own body. Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body." -1 Corinthians 6:18-20.

3. You can't deal with it on your own. Sexual sin is addictive, powerful, and isolating. God made sex to bring intimacy, Satan twists sex to make it isolating. Because of this, you CANNOT break the cycle on your own. James 5:16 says, "Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective."

4. Tell someone. Actually, I suggest telling at least two people. Tell a spiritual leader, such as a pastor, mentor, small group leader, etc. And tell a close Christian friend of the same sex. Confess and repent, and then have them keep you accountable to breaking free from sin. What you should not do is tell everyone. Doing so might drag a weaker Christian down.

5. Be willing to do whatever is necessary to pursue holiness. If that means you need get rid of the internet on our computer, get rid of some music or movies, or get a different job, do it. Any part of your life that is dragging you into sin needs to be cast off. This is what Jesus meant when he said, "And if your right hand causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to go into hell." (Matthew 5:30.)

6. Check out some resources. Look around at XXXChurch.com. They have a lot of help for both men and women, as well as some free internet accountability software. Also, Covenant Eyes has some good reasources as well as some better accountability software. (Albiet, not free.) I am still looking for a good book on this subject, if you find on, let me know. The one on XXXChurch.com's website looks really good, but I haven't read it.



I know this topic might be awkward for a lot of you reading this. Honestly, I think you need to get over it. We live in a highly sexualized culture, and if we want to be in the world, we need to be comfortable with addressing sin (but not with sinning.) Most of you know I feel God's call to be a youth pastor. Sexual sin is one of the issues amoung youth (but not only youth) that desperately needs to be talked about. I am very passionate about addressing these issues openly and boldly, and I am not going to sit down or shut up about them. They need to be discussed. If you don't think that the Church should be talking about issues like this, I want to know what Bible you're reading. Whenever there was a tough, disgusting, hard to deal with issue, the prophets talked about it, Jesus talked about it, and the apostles talked about it. I'm going to talk about it, and maybe you should too.

Saturday, August 16, 2008

Modesty and Beauty, pt. 1

Summer is drawing to a close, and the issue of modesty has popped up a couple times. I was reading 1 Peter 3, and it came to mind. I want to talk about the passage and Peter's comments on what makes a woman beautiful and my opinions on beauty, but I feel like, in my mind, I need to address this issue of modesty and iron out my views on that before I can contemplate deeper issues. Even though this is written as though to other people, and it's posted on the web, this is mostly for me to iron out some of my ideas on the subject. If you find it interesting or gain something from it, that's wonderful, but please understand that these are just my personal musings.

The passage that provoked these thoughts was, "Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight." I didn't get into this verse as much as I wanted in this post, but I will try to delve into it deeper in a later post. I feel like there's some preliminary stuff I need to cover.

There is a lot I could say here but right now I'm going to try and keep it simple. There are a lot of cultural, social and theological issues here, and I don't want to write a research paper.

I have never asked a girl to dress modestly or suggested that she should. Why? Because Christian girls should desire to dress modestly out of love for their brothers (see Romans 14.) If she doesn't already have a desire to help keep her brothers from stumbling, I don't want to pressure her into doing it for the wrong reasons. What I have done is help girls who already show a desire to love their brothers in this way understand what is helpful and what is not.

Firstly, a lot of people have this idea that girls being more modest is a substitute for guys having strong spiritual defenses, which is absurd. If we guys are in the world, there will always be temptation, including scantily clad women. Suck it up, soldier. Stop whining about girls making you stumble. Guess who's responsible for your sin? You are. Guess who needs to deal with the problem? You, not them. There will always be sexual temptation. Waiting for better internet filters, marriage to a hot wife, and a new wave of modesty sweeping the nation is not a solution. A solution is relying on god's power and developing self control to build a defense that weathers temptation without giving in to sin.

Now, speaking to Christian girls. Ideally, guys should be able to resist temptation no matter what you wear. Those of you who have visited a location know as "the real world" know that is uncommon to rare. Modesty, for you, serves two purposes. 1. You don't want to contribute to your brother's sin problem. You want to bring him closer to God, not further away, because you love God and you love him. 2. If you want to connect with a guy and build a deeper relationship (whether a Platonic friendship or a romantic relationship) it helps to be modestly dressed. It has been said guys have trouble opening up, which is a completely baseless and unfounded lie, but being on high alert against spiritual attack is not going to help a guy relax. If you want to build a relationship, you need him to feel safe, and being modest can contribute to that feeling of safety.

Now, there are some girls who I know are reading this and thinking, "Hey, I have the right to wear whatever I want, and if some perverted guy wants to lust after me, that's his problem." To this I respond, "yes, you do." You have the freedom in Christ to wear whatever you want, and it is the men, not you, who will ultimately be held responsible.

However, the Christian life is not about rights or freedom. In fact, it is about giving up rights and submission. Ephesians 5 says, "Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ." Paul address the idea of hurting someone else by your freedom in Christ in 1 Corinthians 8,

"Be careful, however, that the exercise of your freedom does not become a stumbling block to the weak. [...] So this weak brother, for whom Christ died, is destroyed by your knowledge. When you sin against your brothers in this way and wound their weak conscience, you sin against Christ." (see also Romans 14.)

The idea of the Christian life is that you should be more concerned about your spiritual family and Christ than yourself, so that you are willing to sacrifice rights, freedom, or comfort for the benefit of others or the cause of Christ.

I think most Christian girls genuinely do want to do that, but it's a very confusing issue and they aren't sure how that looks practically. This is really what I want to talk about.

A lot of girls I talk to about this want clear cut, easy to follow rules. Unfortunately, no such rules exist. Some of you have heard me say that modesty is culturally defined, and this is true. In general, guys from Maine may have a lot more trouble with a girl in a bikini than would guys raised in Miami. There are two reasons for this. Firstly, the more you are used to it, the better you can handle it. Secondly, different culture have different ideas about what is sexual. Some cultures see a girl in a bikini and fantasize about sex, others see a girl in a bikini and fantasize about windsurfing. This is because every subculture (and every person) associates ideas and images differently. Know the subculture that you're in.

Also, I think a lot of modesty is situational. Going to the beach or the pool and seeing girls in bikinis is not a big deal for me, because I go to the beach expecting to see that, and I come prepared. A modest outfit at the beach can be a very immodest outfit in a classroom, for example. As guys we need to be on alert all the time, but it helps if there are areas we know are generally safe.

I generally don't have a problem with tank tops. They're everywhere in the summers here, and I think it's a great way to stay cool in Chicago's beastly weather. However, I don't like it when girls wear tank tops to church, because church is a place where I have close friends and deep spiritual experiences, and I don't like having to have my guard up at church. It's nice to be able to relax more. Also, it can be simply distracting from the worship. However, it's still my responsibility to deal with it.

The other thing I think girls don't realize is how much more of a temptation lust is for guys than girls. Dean Arens once said that 70% of guys coming into Moody (and 30% of girls, I think) have an addiction to pornography. (For more stats, check out XXXChurch.) I guarantee you that even the guys that you think are the strongest spiritually struggle with lust. They may be winning the struggles, but I promise you it's a struggle, and there's no shame in that. There's nothing wrong with being tempted, Jesus was tempted in every way. It's okay to admit that you are struggling with a sin. Sin grows in the dark and dies in the light, if we as a Church are serious about fighting sin, we need to be comfortable talking about it. People tend to feel like everyone is doing better than they are spiritually, and they need to keep that a secret.

I think my final word here is this: Girls, talk to your guy friends about what you can do to help them out in regards to modesty. Most guys would be happy to tell you if they thought you wanted to know. But, don't ask if or what they struggle with or how they're doing. That's something they need to be dealing with with an older male spiritual leader, not you. Guys, don't blame girls for your struggles. Step up and take the responsibility for your spiritual life. If you have a problem, find someone older and wiser to talk to about it. Everyone: There are some times when it's not appropriate to share your dirty laundry, but in general, as a church, we need to be comfortable talking about sin (but not comfortable with sinning.) Sin isolates, keeps secrets, lies, and thrives in darkness. God calls us to community, openness, honesty and accountability, and that's an environment that no sin can live in.

"Whoever loves his brother lives in the light, and there is nothing in him to make him stumble." 1 John 2:10

I think I'm going to wrap it up for now because it's 3am, but I'll write a part 2 on more of the idea of inner beauty and so forth.

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

Insecurity and Love

I am alternately the maverick Christian who is going to God's will and love everyone with no care as to what people think of me in comparison to what God thinks, and the insecure sellout who will do most things to feel accepted and loved by a group. I switch back and forth without really noticing.

Prof. Janosz once said, "To some extent, most people will always see themselves as they did in middle school." I think this is more true than we like to admit. Most of the people I have talked to about this have had a very unpleasant experience of middle school, and I think probably I more than many.

A lot of people feel like they are secretly unlovely in some way. People are afraid of being fat, stupid, or boring. I used to think that what I was afraid of was that no one likes me. But I don't really think that's it. I think more accurately, I'm afraid that no one wants to be close to me. I'm afraid that I annoy and hurt people without meaning to. (Which I know is true sometimes, and I don't mean to bother people.) I'm afraid that secretly, everyone is just tolerating me because they don't want to tell me that they don't like me.

I understand that this fairly paranoid and not very logical. However, this is how I saw myself in middle school, and I haven't really shaken the prejudice towards the viewpoint yet. It seems like most groups of people pick some people to be loved more than others, (including those at Moody) and I don't like that. It feels too much like a competition. I played the game once and manage to be very popular in one particular group, but I found I still didn't feel loved because I had tried very hard to present a face that really isn't me. I knew the person people loved was not really me, and I was angry at them for not realizing this. I also drained a lot of my energy being someone I wasn't.

So now I am mostly content to be loved for who I am by those people who who choose to do so. Knowing that I am a child of God helps me be okay with not being loved by most people most of the time, but I'm still afraid that everyone is secretly tolerating me because they don't want to tell me that they don't like me. I guess that that is a part of the war between my soul and my flesh. My soul is secure in Christ but my flesh is not, understandably.

I like Donald Miller's thought's on the subject:
"
DOOR: How do you feel the church uses love as a commodity?

MILLER: When we talk about relationships with people, we use phrases like "invest in people," "this person is priceless," or "this relationship is bankrupt." By using economic metaphor we've begun to think of love like money. There is this sense that we can't love homosexuals because that's endorsing them. So, we spout little cliches like "hate the sin, but love the sinner" but we don't actually do that. We sort of isolate ourselves from the world because we fear them, we don't understand them. I think the root of that problem is the fact that we treat love like money. We exist in this social economy where we use affection as dollars."

I got this from an interview that I found online, although he says the same thing in more detail in Blue Like Jazz.

Inside My Mind

Today, I take you inside the dark interworkings of MY MIND! Muh-ha-ha-ha... ha. It's actually not as weird as it sounds...

I have ADHD. I'm not hyperactive, but I have difficulty focusing. Most people don't know I have ADHD because I am good at focusing when I have a stimulus, such as someone talking to me. I mostly lose focus when I'm alone. I always have at least a dozen trains of thought running through my head, and they interrupt each other constantly. It's really, really frustrating.

It's good when I have schedule or some structure, because it helps me focus. It's also good when I do something with someone else, unless they talk to me so much that I don't get anything done. When I have no where I need to be and no particular plan of how to tackle things, it takes me forever to do anything. For example, on a particularly bad day, it took me an hour and a half to make breakfast (toast and jelly, with yogurt.) I kept getting distracted with other things I was supposed to do, and got about 10 things half done in that time. It's a little bit like being 'Dori' from Finding Nemo, except when I'm reminded of things, I can still remember them.

As you might imagine, it's really difficult to function like this. For a long time, I was really embarrassed about it, and I didn't tell anyone. Since I'm generally fine around people, most people didn't notice. Now, I'm more okay with who I am as a person, and I don't mind admitting that I have a lot of trouble focusing. I used to take meds for it, but they affected my mood really strangely, so I don't anymore. I'm developing what are known as 'coping mechanisms.'


My mind also never stops. I can't remember a time when I have been not thinking about anything for more than 7 seconds (I was trying, and I timed myself.) I like to create stories, so a lot of times my mind is building stories. Sometimes these are utterly fantastic and have no bearing on reality, and other times the stories are sparked by something I see or hear. The stories are not usually developed, they are ideas. As I think of the story, I can see it happening inside my head, like a movie. Often, there is more than one story developing at a time, and I can see them both at once.

This made me really easy to take care of as a kid. I was never bored on long car trips or in doctor's offices. I would take something I saw and start building a story around it. I used to be very open about the fact that I was constantly creating new stories, but people thought it was weird that I could actually watch (and hear) the story in my head. After a while I learned to put a bored expression on my face so no one wondered what I was thinking about.
This short story is amazingly accurate to how my mind works on a daily basis.

I also wonder a lot about Why, How, and What If. I wonder a lot about how they decided to make EXIT signs the size that they did, or how that dent in the way came to be there, or what that shirt says and what it means and why they wore that shirt today and if it means something special to them or if it's just a throwaway shirt.

I like to people watch because I like to wonder what that person is doing. Why are they in a hurry? Do they have anyone they love? What are they passionate about? Do they know God? Do they care? Are they looking? Do they have real friends? Would I like them?

Then I might think, What if he's a spy, and he's following that woman because she has information on the Chinese nuclear program. And a story might develop there. Then I might not like that story. Suppose they are married. Maybe things are hard between them, and she never has time for him, and every time they talk they fight, so they just live in the same house now. But he still loves her, and he followed her today, not because he thought she was cheating, but because he just wants to sit across the street and watch her drink coffee and dream about the days when they could talk. Perhaps he imagines what she would say back them if she could see him now, and he laughs. There is a flashback, and we see them talking and laughing, getting along, when they were younger. Then man gets up to go see her, but he shakes his head and sits back down.

I like talking to people even more, because their stories are real, but it's hard to get people to be real with you, but I suppose that's all for the best, otherwise we'd all be to vulnerable. Still, having good friends to talk with is much better than any story. Art imitates life, but life is the most supreme art.

That was extremely incoherent, I think. Honestly, I'm not sure if I wrote this for you or for me. I think I'm probably the only one who will ever read it, so I guess for me, although I rather like the idea of someone reading it. I like wondering what they would be thinking. I especially like imagining that there's someone thinking, "I get that, I do that too," and wondering who that person might be.

I'm feeling whimsical of late...