Inside My Mind

Today, I take you inside the dark interworkings of MY MIND! Muh-ha-ha-ha... ha. It's actually not as weird as it sounds...

I have ADHD. I'm not hyperactive, but I have difficulty focusing. Most people don't know I have ADHD because I am good at focusing when I have a stimulus, such as someone talking to me. I mostly lose focus when I'm alone. I always have at least a dozen trains of thought running through my head, and they interrupt each other constantly. It's really, really frustrating.

It's good when I have schedule or some structure, because it helps me focus. It's also good when I do something with someone else, unless they talk to me so much that I don't get anything done. When I have no where I need to be and no particular plan of how to tackle things, it takes me forever to do anything. For example, on a particularly bad day, it took me an hour and a half to make breakfast (toast and jelly, with yogurt.) I kept getting distracted with other things I was supposed to do, and got about 10 things half done in that time. It's a little bit like being 'Dori' from Finding Nemo, except when I'm reminded of things, I can still remember them.

As you might imagine, it's really difficult to function like this. For a long time, I was really embarrassed about it, and I didn't tell anyone. Since I'm generally fine around people, most people didn't notice. Now, I'm more okay with who I am as a person, and I don't mind admitting that I have a lot of trouble focusing. I used to take meds for it, but they affected my mood really strangely, so I don't anymore. I'm developing what are known as 'coping mechanisms.'


My mind also never stops. I can't remember a time when I have been not thinking about anything for more than 7 seconds (I was trying, and I timed myself.) I like to create stories, so a lot of times my mind is building stories. Sometimes these are utterly fantastic and have no bearing on reality, and other times the stories are sparked by something I see or hear. The stories are not usually developed, they are ideas. As I think of the story, I can see it happening inside my head, like a movie. Often, there is more than one story developing at a time, and I can see them both at once.

This made me really easy to take care of as a kid. I was never bored on long car trips or in doctor's offices. I would take something I saw and start building a story around it. I used to be very open about the fact that I was constantly creating new stories, but people thought it was weird that I could actually watch (and hear) the story in my head. After a while I learned to put a bored expression on my face so no one wondered what I was thinking about.
This short story is amazingly accurate to how my mind works on a daily basis.

I also wonder a lot about Why, How, and What If. I wonder a lot about how they decided to make EXIT signs the size that they did, or how that dent in the way came to be there, or what that shirt says and what it means and why they wore that shirt today and if it means something special to them or if it's just a throwaway shirt.

I like to people watch because I like to wonder what that person is doing. Why are they in a hurry? Do they have anyone they love? What are they passionate about? Do they know God? Do they care? Are they looking? Do they have real friends? Would I like them?

Then I might think, What if he's a spy, and he's following that woman because she has information on the Chinese nuclear program. And a story might develop there. Then I might not like that story. Suppose they are married. Maybe things are hard between them, and she never has time for him, and every time they talk they fight, so they just live in the same house now. But he still loves her, and he followed her today, not because he thought she was cheating, but because he just wants to sit across the street and watch her drink coffee and dream about the days when they could talk. Perhaps he imagines what she would say back them if she could see him now, and he laughs. There is a flashback, and we see them talking and laughing, getting along, when they were younger. Then man gets up to go see her, but he shakes his head and sits back down.

I like talking to people even more, because their stories are real, but it's hard to get people to be real with you, but I suppose that's all for the best, otherwise we'd all be to vulnerable. Still, having good friends to talk with is much better than any story. Art imitates life, but life is the most supreme art.

That was extremely incoherent, I think. Honestly, I'm not sure if I wrote this for you or for me. I think I'm probably the only one who will ever read it, so I guess for me, although I rather like the idea of someone reading it. I like wondering what they would be thinking. I especially like imagining that there's someone thinking, "I get that, I do that too," and wondering who that person might be.

I'm feeling whimsical of late...