Modesty and Beauty, pt. 1

Summer is drawing to a close, and the issue of modesty has popped up a couple times. I was reading 1 Peter 3, and it came to mind. I want to talk about the passage and Peter's comments on what makes a woman beautiful and my opinions on beauty, but I feel like, in my mind, I need to address this issue of modesty and iron out my views on that before I can contemplate deeper issues. Even though this is written as though to other people, and it's posted on the web, this is mostly for me to iron out some of my ideas on the subject. If you find it interesting or gain something from it, that's wonderful, but please understand that these are just my personal musings.

The passage that provoked these thoughts was, "Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight." I didn't get into this verse as much as I wanted in this post, but I will try to delve into it deeper in a later post. I feel like there's some preliminary stuff I need to cover.

There is a lot I could say here but right now I'm going to try and keep it simple. There are a lot of cultural, social and theological issues here, and I don't want to write a research paper.

I have never asked a girl to dress modestly or suggested that she should. Why? Because Christian girls should desire to dress modestly out of love for their brothers (see Romans 14.) If she doesn't already have a desire to help keep her brothers from stumbling, I don't want to pressure her into doing it for the wrong reasons. What I have done is help girls who already show a desire to love their brothers in this way understand what is helpful and what is not.

Firstly, a lot of people have this idea that girls being more modest is a substitute for guys having strong spiritual defenses, which is absurd. If we guys are in the world, there will always be temptation, including scantily clad women. Suck it up, soldier. Stop whining about girls making you stumble. Guess who's responsible for your sin? You are. Guess who needs to deal with the problem? You, not them. There will always be sexual temptation. Waiting for better internet filters, marriage to a hot wife, and a new wave of modesty sweeping the nation is not a solution. A solution is relying on god's power and developing self control to build a defense that weathers temptation without giving in to sin.

Now, speaking to Christian girls. Ideally, guys should be able to resist temptation no matter what you wear. Those of you who have visited a location know as "the real world" know that is uncommon to rare. Modesty, for you, serves two purposes. 1. You don't want to contribute to your brother's sin problem. You want to bring him closer to God, not further away, because you love God and you love him. 2. If you want to connect with a guy and build a deeper relationship (whether a Platonic friendship or a romantic relationship) it helps to be modestly dressed. It has been said guys have trouble opening up, which is a completely baseless and unfounded lie, but being on high alert against spiritual attack is not going to help a guy relax. If you want to build a relationship, you need him to feel safe, and being modest can contribute to that feeling of safety.

Now, there are some girls who I know are reading this and thinking, "Hey, I have the right to wear whatever I want, and if some perverted guy wants to lust after me, that's his problem." To this I respond, "yes, you do." You have the freedom in Christ to wear whatever you want, and it is the men, not you, who will ultimately be held responsible.

However, the Christian life is not about rights or freedom. In fact, it is about giving up rights and submission. Ephesians 5 says, "Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ." Paul address the idea of hurting someone else by your freedom in Christ in 1 Corinthians 8,

"Be careful, however, that the exercise of your freedom does not become a stumbling block to the weak. [...] So this weak brother, for whom Christ died, is destroyed by your knowledge. When you sin against your brothers in this way and wound their weak conscience, you sin against Christ." (see also Romans 14.)

The idea of the Christian life is that you should be more concerned about your spiritual family and Christ than yourself, so that you are willing to sacrifice rights, freedom, or comfort for the benefit of others or the cause of Christ.

I think most Christian girls genuinely do want to do that, but it's a very confusing issue and they aren't sure how that looks practically. This is really what I want to talk about.

A lot of girls I talk to about this want clear cut, easy to follow rules. Unfortunately, no such rules exist. Some of you have heard me say that modesty is culturally defined, and this is true. In general, guys from Maine may have a lot more trouble with a girl in a bikini than would guys raised in Miami. There are two reasons for this. Firstly, the more you are used to it, the better you can handle it. Secondly, different culture have different ideas about what is sexual. Some cultures see a girl in a bikini and fantasize about sex, others see a girl in a bikini and fantasize about windsurfing. This is because every subculture (and every person) associates ideas and images differently. Know the subculture that you're in.

Also, I think a lot of modesty is situational. Going to the beach or the pool and seeing girls in bikinis is not a big deal for me, because I go to the beach expecting to see that, and I come prepared. A modest outfit at the beach can be a very immodest outfit in a classroom, for example. As guys we need to be on alert all the time, but it helps if there are areas we know are generally safe.

I generally don't have a problem with tank tops. They're everywhere in the summers here, and I think it's a great way to stay cool in Chicago's beastly weather. However, I don't like it when girls wear tank tops to church, because church is a place where I have close friends and deep spiritual experiences, and I don't like having to have my guard up at church. It's nice to be able to relax more. Also, it can be simply distracting from the worship. However, it's still my responsibility to deal with it.

The other thing I think girls don't realize is how much more of a temptation lust is for guys than girls. Dean Arens once said that 70% of guys coming into Moody (and 30% of girls, I think) have an addiction to pornography. (For more stats, check out XXXChurch.) I guarantee you that even the guys that you think are the strongest spiritually struggle with lust. They may be winning the struggles, but I promise you it's a struggle, and there's no shame in that. There's nothing wrong with being tempted, Jesus was tempted in every way. It's okay to admit that you are struggling with a sin. Sin grows in the dark and dies in the light, if we as a Church are serious about fighting sin, we need to be comfortable talking about it. People tend to feel like everyone is doing better than they are spiritually, and they need to keep that a secret.

I think my final word here is this: Girls, talk to your guy friends about what you can do to help them out in regards to modesty. Most guys would be happy to tell you if they thought you wanted to know. But, don't ask if or what they struggle with or how they're doing. That's something they need to be dealing with with an older male spiritual leader, not you. Guys, don't blame girls for your struggles. Step up and take the responsibility for your spiritual life. If you have a problem, find someone older and wiser to talk to about it. Everyone: There are some times when it's not appropriate to share your dirty laundry, but in general, as a church, we need to be comfortable talking about sin (but not comfortable with sinning.) Sin isolates, keeps secrets, lies, and thrives in darkness. God calls us to community, openness, honesty and accountability, and that's an environment that no sin can live in.

"Whoever loves his brother lives in the light, and there is nothing in him to make him stumble." 1 John 2:10

I think I'm going to wrap it up for now because it's 3am, but I'll write a part 2 on more of the idea of inner beauty and so forth.