The Way I See It

I wrote this essay a few months ago for a class in which I had to articulate my worldview in general and in several specific areas. I read it again today, and started elaborating on and editing it. I thought I would publish it here so I might get some feedback. I wish to give the warning that God deals differently with everyone, and it is unreasonable to read this story and expect God to reveal himself to you in the same ways he met me. If you seek God, he will meet you on his time in the method he wishes. From talking to other Christians, I have gathered that my experience with God is somewhat atypical, so please bear that in mind.

It is also worth saying that suicide is a foolish and cowardly thing to plan or do or consider doing, and generally gains you nothing whatsoever. Though I was suicidal for a significant portion of my life, I'm not proud of it, and I don't recommend that anyone venture into that particular darkness. Suicide or attempting suicide is not a good way to encounter God or get love or help. The fact that it worked out okay for me doesn't mean it was a good plan, and once again, I don't suggest it. There are much better ways to encounter God, and if you want to know about them, you can talk to me about it.

The Way I See It

Søren Kierkegaard once said, “Listen to the cry of a woman in labor at the hour of giving birth -look at the dying man's struggle at his last extremity, and then tell me whether something that begins and ends thus could be intended for enjoyment.” I could not make the argument that my life has been made for enjoyment. Growing up in a very christianized city, I have had an intellectual understanding of the Gospel since I can remember. Though I wasn't raised in a church or a Christian home, a propositional gospel filters through when you are raised in such an environment. I'm sure I prayed the sinner's prayer several times, and had a fair understanding of the Bible I acquired from some extended family members.


As I grew up I lacked the baseline happiness that most of my peers seemed to have. I was chronically ill with a then mysterious medical condition, my parents considered divorce afresh every few months, and my peers didn't like me. Being a dramatic seventh grader, I decided there was no joy in life worth living for and my life could not foreseeably ever get better, so the best course of action was to kill myself. I had plans to synthesize a poison by mixing some household products, pretend to be sick, and drink the poison after my parents left for work and I was alone in the house.


The night before I was intending to kill myself, I had a dream. In the dream, I was standing in heaven, looking down at the earth. God was next to me, but I couldn't see him. He showed me my life from heaven's perspective, and then he showed me another person's life. The other person had what I would have called a 'normal, happy life.' After he had shown me this, he said to me, paraphrastically, 'I could have made you any way I wanted, but I made you and your life the way it is for a reason.'


This existential experience would be the cornerstone on which my life was built. I was and am very unsure about very many things. Nonetheless, I had now experienced something first hand that was irrefutable and irrevocable. I knew certain things must be true about the universe. I knew that there was one God, who created me and the universe and was in complete control of it all. I knew that I was made with a specific purpose and had a part in God's plan. It's hard for me to know whether I was saved at that point or not, but I didn't think in such terms. I wasn't sure exactly who the God I met was, but I knew that He was the God who inspired the Bible.


I would still not claim to know much about this God who wrote the Bible. He is transcendent and mysterious, and I certainly can't know the whole of him. All I can know of Him is what he has chosen to reveal about himself. He revealed some things to me in seventh grade. He revealed he had a plan. He revealed he was in control. I learned I could know more about this God I had met in the Bible. Studying the Bible on my own, I learned that God had not only supernaturally intervened in my life, but that he had intervened in history. For a long time I had doubts about the historicity of the Bible.


As I read about the disciples, something changed. I read about their fear of following Christ at the crucifixion, and then read later that they willingly died for speaking of this Jesus, as did many of those who had not ever met Jesus. I understood that this gospel must change lives. I knew that these people had had a real encounter with the Risen Lord, in some form, the way I had.


I also learned that God is Love. All other attributes of God can be ascribed as subsets of his perfect love. Since God was the greatest thing in the universe, it seemed best to me to understand him as well as I could. It made sense to value the things He valued, since He had the perspective to know what was and was not important. One of the first books I read in the Bible was 1 John. John is pretty clear that love is the priority of the Christian life, but the more I read the Bible, the more I find it all over Scripture. I find the imperative of love in the writings of Peter and Paul, in the teaching of Jesus, in the admonishments of the prophets, and the construction of the Law. Love is the value of the Christian life. Everything else follows logically. Faith comes when we see the power of love and trust Love. Hope comes when we have the faith to know that Love will win in the end. Justice comes when we love those damaged by injustice. Love is behind and under every other value in the Christian life.


In my life, this means I drive towards overcoming barriers between people so that love in the body of Christ can be stronger and purer. 1 John 4:11-12 says, “Beloved, if God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. No one has ever seen God; if we love one another, God abides in us and his love is perfected in us.” It has always been God's plan to display Himself in the loving relationships between those who know Him. When God creates man in Genesis 2:18, He said, "It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him.” On this topic, several Biblical “scholars, seeing the pattern of male and female, have concluded that humanity expresses God's image in relationship, particularly in well functioning human community, both in marriage and in wider society.” (Alexander, 51).


As such, I spend a tremendous amount of energy (proportionally) attempting to build relationships that are not merely pleasant, but edifying: manifesting the image of God. I take serious issue with gossip, slander, malice and the holding of grudges within the Church. I feel I am seriously intentional about developing spiritual intimacy with people around me, being open and genuine, and attempting to include and love people who seem isolated, especially incoming freshmen.


On the flip side of this, I have a lot of fear. I am afraid of opening up and being rejected. I am afraid of trying really hard to build a relationship and being ignored. I am afraid of being devalued or rejected. I am afraid that is these things happen, they may destroy me.


I know this is not a rational fear, but it remains. I know that people probably will do all of this things to me. It has happened before and it will surely happen again. I know that, when it happens, I will be okay. I know that I do not need their affirmation or respect or acceptance. I know that I have what I need in Christ, and the more I rely on it, the better my life runs. Yet I am still afraid of their power to destroy me by rejection, knowing they are powerless.


People seem to think hate is the opposite of love. I disagree. You can both love and hate something. You can hate because of love. I think fear is the opposite of love. John says, “There is no fear in love, but perfect love drives out fear.”


Being an existentialist, I have little to say on the ontology of the universe. I know the God of the Bible exists. I know I exist. I am fairly sure other people exist. The physical world as I perceive it is probably here too, although if it were not I would not be very concerned. It is, at the very least, the least significant of the realities in existence. There is another reality that might be called the spiritual reality, although I dislike this phrase because it implies something ephemeral, and it is the physical world, not the spiritual, that is the less real. In C.S. Lewis' vision of heaven, the unnamed narrator gives a description of the reality of heaven compared with the reality of men, “The men were as they had always been; as all the men I had known had been perhaps. It was the light, the grass, the trees that were different; made of some different substance, so much solider than things in our country that men were ghosts by comparison.” It is the spiritual world that is underlying, fundamental, primary, and ultimately more real than the physical world. As Hebrews 11:3 says, “By faith we understand that the worlds were prepared by the word of God, so that what is seen was not made out of things which are visible.”


I have already said much about my Epistemology. I believe knowledge can be obtained through direct revelation from God and the illumination of the Holy Spirit in tandem with the study of the the Bible. There are some things which God has revealed to all mankind, as Romans 1:20 says, “For since the creation of the world God's invisible qualities—his eternal power and divine nature—have been clearly seen, being understood from what has been made, so that men are without excuse.” An absolute God demands there be absolute truth. The question is not whether truth is relative, in fact such a question is inherently paradoxical. The question is of access to the absolute truth that is out there. The question is also not one of certainty. Uncertainty is merely where I rent a room when I haven't decided what house to buy yet. Having made a decision, my certainty lies in that decision. The question is on the nature of our access to absolute truth, that is, whether our access is objective or subjective.


It is now necessary to clarify these terms. By objective access to truth, I mean knowing truth in a way that this knowledge can be empirically expressed and proved, either scientifically or logically, to be internally consistent. There are a number of objective truths in the Bible as well as in science, nature, math and elsewhere. These truths are useful in providing a concrete basis for a worldview.


By subjective access to truth, I mean access to truth in which the truth is the subject (origin) and I am the object. Essentially, subjective truth is truth that accesses me, rather than the reverse. When I encounter God in a dream, am convicted by the Holy Spirit, encounter the image of God in another person, fall in love, or experience the awe of God's majesty in creation, I am learning truth subjectively. Ultimately, truths that will matter most are those I understand subjectively, because ultimately God is the subject, and I am not. Everything of great significance in my life has happened to me subjectively. As Kierkegaard has said, “The highest and most beautiful things in life are not to be heard about, nor read about, nor seen but, if one will, are to be lived.”


Salvation is not me going to God, understanding Him, and signing up with his program. Salvation is God knowing me, entering my world, and changing me as he sees fit. This is a subjective, existential experience, and it will always carry more weight than anything I could do on my own. Jesus said that He is, “The Way, the Truth, and the Life.” When Truth encounters us, happens to us, we are the object, and Jesus is the subject. This is subjective Truth. I echo the sentiments of Donal Miller, who said, “I want Jesus to happen to you the was He happened to Laura at Reed, the way He happened to Penny in France, the way He happened to me in Texas. I want you to know Jesus too. This book is about the songs my friends and I are singing. This is what God is doing in our lives.” (240).


I believe that God has an exciting plan for my life. It may not be enjoyable, and it may be very difficult, but because I know the God who created the universe and planned my life, I know that my life will be an adventure if I will live it. I know there is great joy and sorrow and challenge and all epic things in my future, because I follow after a God who is grand and wild. As John Eldridge would say, God has an adventure to extend to each one of us. We are, as people, called into God's creation in a epic adventure. There is wrong to be righted, joy to be had, beauty to be discovered and delighted in, challenge and hardship and and patience and action. These are the things that people, male and female, are made to do, occasionally solitarily, generally in community. I understand a man not by what he is or what he is made of, but by what he does. That is, I believe people are best understood functonalistically. In the Old Testament, 'good' does not refer to niceness or enjoyability, but well-functioningness. A good sword efficiently takes life, a good shovel digs holes of high quality, and a good man follows hard and well after God in the adventure set before him. A good community follows after God in the adventure together. This is what I understand it means to be human.


Logic is important in this quest. Good intentions are insufficient for success, as we have often heard the road to hell is paved with them. Logic guides us to wisdom, to doing things rightly so the work out as we would like. Passion is the strength to run hard down the path God has set. Logic provides the light to see the right path. God is not a God of confusion nor one who hides our path from us, for 1 John 1:5 says, “God is light; in him there is no darkness at all.”


I feel that God is calling me to minister to youth. I am not certain what that will look like yet. Perhaps I will be counselor, a writer, or a pastor. I am confident he will show me what to do when I need to know. My primary motivation for desiring to do youth ministry is that I see a lack of discipleship in the church, especially among the younger generation. For my understanding of the Bible, discipleship, and especially discipleship towards the younger generation, is an imperative command from God to his followers. God told the Israelites in Deuteronomy 6:6-8, “these words that I command you today shall be on your heart. You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise.” When I am old enough, I would like to train parents to integrate their spiritual lives into their parenting so that parenting becomes discipleship, which is rarely seems to be. On a more general level, Christ commands us in Matthew 28:19-20, “Go therefore and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, teaching them to observe all that I have commanded you." I feel called to fulfill this command and teach other to do the same.


Often times, I feel like minority within the Church. I feel we are not doing things well, but it seems most everyone else thinks we are. When I try to deal with my concerns, it seems to upset people that I am rocking the boat or criticizing the way things have been done. I get much disrespect and hurtful indifference when I am passionate about issues I care about, and it would be much easier for me to blend into the crowd. When this happens, I feel a strong urge to leave the ministry or the church in general. I often become bored and disdainful of the way things are being done.


If I am going to speak the words of truth and address deep rooted problem in the church, it is not realistic for me to try to prevent criticism. I am going to say what I have to say and attempt to address the problems as I see them. I will not mince words, and I will not be other than I am. If someone can show me error, I will certainly modify my views and opinions, however, I will not sit down, shut up, back down, or temper my words because I make people uncomfortable or offended. There is much difference between causing someone to stumble and offending someone. In the American church, I think a lot of people need a rude wake-up in the same way Jesus was a rude awakening to the Pharisees.


However, it is not feasible for me to withstand such pressure on my own. I need to build a strong support structure to live this adventure and fight this battle with me. My main strategy to do this is to pray consistently for such a strong support group and make building intimate spiritual friendships with like-minded Christians a priority. I am also currently seeking a mentor.


In conclusion, my worldview stems primarily from my experiences, and especially those subjective experiences I have had with the Absolute Truth of Jesus Christ and his subsequent work in my life. I feel through this experience I have developed a strong heart and call towards discipleship, especially towards youth and eventually parents. While this may be a difficult road because of my strong and unorthodox views, I believe I have a lot to offer the Church, and that God has sent me to speak prophetically into a sleepy church. If I do things right I will undoubtedly encounter much opposition, however, if I am able to cultivate a strong support group of friends, mentors and a wife, I feel God will use these relationships to strengthen me for whatever he calls me towards.

Works Cited

Alexander, D. T. "Genesis." Holy Bible English Standard Version : the ESV Study Bible. Ed. J. I. Packer and Wayne Grudem. Wheaton, Ill: Crossway Bibles, 2008.

Eldredge, John. Wild at heart discovering the passionate soul of a man. Nashville, Tenn: T. Nelson, 2001.

Holy Bible English Standard Version : the ESV Study Bible. Wheaton, Ill: Crossway Bibles, 2008.

Kierkegaard, Søren. Concluding Unscientific Postscripts to Philosophical Fragments : International Kierkegaard Commentary. Ed. Robert Perkins. New York: Mercer UP, 2004.

Lewis, C. S. The Complete C.S. Lewis Signature Classics. New York: HarperOne, 2007.

Miller, Donald. Blue Like Jazz : Nonreligious Thoughts on Christian Spirituality. New York: Struik, 2001.

Is Lying a Sin? (Food for Thought)

When I was a new Christian, I was taught that lying was a sin like murder or adultery, and that it was one of the Ten Commandments. I have been reading the Bible, and like so many other things, what I was taught by the church as a new Christian seems to be contrary to what the Bible teaches. The ninth commandment says, "You shall not bear false witness against your neighbor." I was told that this meant that it was a sin to lie. However, there are some issues with that.

"Then the king of Egypt said to the Hebrew midwives, one of whom was named Shiphrah and the other Puah, "When you serve as midwife to the Hebrew women and see them on the birthstool, if it is a son, you shall kill him, but if it is a daughter, she shall live." But the midwives feared God and did not do as the king of Egypt commanded them, but let the male children live. So the king of Egypt called the midwives and said to them, "Why have you done this, and let the male children live?" The midwives said to Pharaoh, "Because the Hebrew women are not like the Egyptian women, for they are vigorous and give birth before the midwife comes to them." So God dealt well with the midwives." -Exodus 1

Here the midwives lie to Pharaoh, and it seems that God approves, because He, "dealt well with the midwives."

It seems to me that if it wasn't a sin for midwives to lie to Pharaoh, then lying is not a sin. I have been taught that things that are sins are always wrong, there are not 'extenuating circumstances.' When we claim there are extenuating circumstances for our sin, we call that justifying ourselves. Surely lying, like anything else, can be done in sin, with sinful intention or the like, but can we say that it is inherently a sin? If it is, why does God approve the midwives?

Perhaps you might say that the midwives were lying to Pharaoh, who was a foreigner, in favor of the Israelites, who were their neighbors, and this makes the bearing false testimony okay. Consider this:

"And Joshua the son of Nun sent two men secretly from Shittim as spies, saying, "Go, view the land, especially Jericho." And they went and came into the house of a prostitute whose name was Rahab and lodged there. And it was told to the king of Jericho, "Behold, men of Israel have come here tonight to search out the land." Then the king of Jericho sent to Rahab, saying, "Bring out the men who have come to you, who entered your house, for they have come to search out all the land." But the woman had taken the two men and hidden them. And she said, "True, the men came to me, but I did not know where they were from. And when the gate was about to be closed at dark, the men went out. I do not know where the men went. Pursue them quickly, for you will overtake them." But she had brought them up to the roof and hid them with the stalks of flax that she had laid in order on the roof." -Joshua 2

In the New Testament, both James and Hebrews say that this act was righteous, even though Rahab lied to her own people to defend foreigners. In addition, the false testimony Rahab bore was definitely against her neighbors: Because Rahab protected the spies, everyone in the city of Jericho (except her family) was killed! Yet, the Bible seems to honor Rahab for lying, even though this lie seems to clearly break the 9th commandment.

Perhaps you will say that Rahab was a Gentile, and therefore not required to obey the 10 commandments (and I would agree.) But if we say this, how then can we say that Gentile Christians are under the 10 commandments? We cannot make a distinction between and Rahab by saying that Christians are 'regenerated' or a 'part of God's people' and that Rahab was not, because both James and Hebrews consider Rahab to be saved, so she must also be 'regenerated' or 'a part of God's people.'

So my immediate question for you is: Is lying a sin? If so, how do we know this from the Bible? What do we do with Rahab and the Hebrew midwives?

But this raises another interesting question: Are Gentile Christians (or unbelieving Gentiles) required to obey the 10 commandments? If not, why not? If so, are they required to obey the other parts of the Mosaic covenant? Why or why not?

Captivating: The Search for the Heart of Femininity

Okay, so I've been reading Captivating, because someone gave it to me awhile ago and it's pretty popular, so what the heck, right? These are mainly just my thoughts so far. As a quick summary: I like where she is going, but not how she gets there. Let me let explain:

While I agree with a lot of Stasi is saying (so far, I'm only like 30 pages in) I don't really like the way she proves her points. It seems that her basic premise is that there are these inherent desires in young girls that are the essence of femininity, and that society teaches girls to ignore or repress these desires, and if grown-up girls could get back to their childhood and understand, accept, and fulfill these desires in a healthy way, they would have become true women. In order to support most of this, she uses a lot of 'remember back to when you were an innocent girl, unspoiled by the influence of society...' arguments.

I think that's an overly idealistic argument. There is a lot of purity of thought in youth that is later corrupted by society. On the other hand, I have worked with kids all my life, and children are not innocent by any stretch of the imagination. We may not be born evil, but working with kids has convinced me that everyone is born inherently selfish. Just because young girls share similar desires of their hearts doesn't mean that fulfilling those desires will lead to happiness or Godliness. There are a lot of desires kids have that are really bad ideas, and we train them out of them for a reason.

Secondly, Stasi criticizes Proverbs 31, (actually, she criticizes an interpretation of Proverbs 31, but she says it as though she is criticizing the Bible itself.) Basically, Stasi paints a picture of Proverbs 31 imposing a tyranny on women to work hard to support their husband and family that is unhealthy and impractical. She comes to the conclusion that it is bad because it is impossible to fulfill. She offers no alternative interpretation or explanation of how divinely inspired Scripture is causing damage. She does not even suggest that it has been misinterpreted.

Now, possible Stasi will come back to this point later and explain how God's Scripture is always edifying when correctly interpreted, but I feel like she should have done this in the same section as she wrote about the harm of Proverbs 31. She should have at least emphasized (or even mentioned) that she has a problem with an interpretive theory, not Scripture itself. I think the way she has it written now erodes people's respect for Scripture.


Despite the fact that I don't appreciate her means, I think her main points may have some validity. In essence, Stasi argues that women have three basic longings, and that most destructive behavior and attitudes stems from repressing these longings. She says that if females can recognize these longing and learn to pursue their fulfillment in a healthy way, they will have discovered "what it means to be a woman," or "the heart of femininity."

Stasi says that every girl/woman wants "to be romanced," "an irreplaceable role in a great adventure," and "to unveil beauty." I think this might be true of every person, but I won't go into that here. In explanation of her first longing, Stasi explains that women want someone to pursue them, someone to work for their love. She uses the example of her boyfriend (now husband) leaving poetry on the windshield of her car and craving her a wooden heart.

While I think it's really important to do things like that in a relationship, I also think that different people express love in different ways, and for a lot of people being romance looks nothing like poems and carvings. For some people, being romanced is a lot more low-key. I do believe in Love Languages, and I think there is an over idealization of one or two of them that has made courtly love all flowers and poetry, whereas in reality there is a much greater spectrum to the expression of love.

However, I agree that the desire to be pursued/romanced is a legitimate, healthy desire and it's great if women want to pursue that. As a guy, I would generally try to make my girlfriend/wife feel 'romanced' although I think I would try to make it a little more down-to-earth because a lot of girls I know would feel pretty uncomfortable with some of the ideas Stasi suggests (such as leaving notes on windshields.)

By "an irreplaceable role in a great adventure," Stasi seems to mean an important and integral, yet ultimately supportive role in the quest of a man. She compares this to being the heroine in a war movie or action-drama. She uses such examples as Cora from The Last of the Mohicans or Arwen and Eowyn in The Lord of The Rings.

I am a man on a mission. I want to spend my life helping youth become more like Jesus Christ. That is what I have decided to commit my life to, and I will pour most of my talents, abilities and resources unto that altar unless I get a clear message from God instructing me otherwise. I see myself as a soldier in the Lord's army, and I have standing orders to advance the Kingdom, particularly in the youth world. As such, the idea of a woman who is committed to the same or similar mission is extremely attractive to me. Yet more attractive is the idea of a woman who is committed to such a ministry and wants to partner with me in this mission (and others, for example, raising children.)

I think woman like that are great, but I'm not sure that every woman has that desire or need. Firstly, I think some women are drawn to missions that do not have a significant male figure, because I know that, biblically speaking, some women (and men) are called to celibacy. Perhaps Stasi meant for the masculine figures in her examples to represent God, rather than a husband, but she didn't say that. If she meant God and not a husband, then it seems to me like the exact same thing could be said of men.

I didn't mean for this to be this long, because the main point I wanted to address was her third, on unveiling beauty. However, I think I will do this in a separate post, because I am kinda tired. The topic of feminine beauty is a whole other discussion, and I would like to be able to devote an entire post to it.

I know I seem pretty critical of Captivating, but I really don't dislike it. I know it has done a lot of god for a lot of people, and I respect that. I more dislike the method of it, but I think the message and points are very good. Also, I admit that I have only read a small part of it so far, and my opinion could change a lot. I am going to read the whole thing and reserve judgement until the end. These are only my thoughts so far.




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If you are a girl, I would LOVE to hear your opinions on this, especially on Stasi three desires of the feminine heart. You know I always love any kind of comment, but I especially would like to hear what you ladies think on this one, because I acknowledge that I am in no way qualified or informed on this subject. If you (guys and girls) have read Captivating, I would also love to hear your comments on the book.