Captivating: The Search for the Heart of Femininity

Okay, so I've been reading Captivating, because someone gave it to me awhile ago and it's pretty popular, so what the heck, right? These are mainly just my thoughts so far. As a quick summary: I like where she is going, but not how she gets there. Let me let explain:

While I agree with a lot of Stasi is saying (so far, I'm only like 30 pages in) I don't really like the way she proves her points. It seems that her basic premise is that there are these inherent desires in young girls that are the essence of femininity, and that society teaches girls to ignore or repress these desires, and if grown-up girls could get back to their childhood and understand, accept, and fulfill these desires in a healthy way, they would have become true women. In order to support most of this, she uses a lot of 'remember back to when you were an innocent girl, unspoiled by the influence of society...' arguments.

I think that's an overly idealistic argument. There is a lot of purity of thought in youth that is later corrupted by society. On the other hand, I have worked with kids all my life, and children are not innocent by any stretch of the imagination. We may not be born evil, but working with kids has convinced me that everyone is born inherently selfish. Just because young girls share similar desires of their hearts doesn't mean that fulfilling those desires will lead to happiness or Godliness. There are a lot of desires kids have that are really bad ideas, and we train them out of them for a reason.

Secondly, Stasi criticizes Proverbs 31, (actually, she criticizes an interpretation of Proverbs 31, but she says it as though she is criticizing the Bible itself.) Basically, Stasi paints a picture of Proverbs 31 imposing a tyranny on women to work hard to support their husband and family that is unhealthy and impractical. She comes to the conclusion that it is bad because it is impossible to fulfill. She offers no alternative interpretation or explanation of how divinely inspired Scripture is causing damage. She does not even suggest that it has been misinterpreted.

Now, possible Stasi will come back to this point later and explain how God's Scripture is always edifying when correctly interpreted, but I feel like she should have done this in the same section as she wrote about the harm of Proverbs 31. She should have at least emphasized (or even mentioned) that she has a problem with an interpretive theory, not Scripture itself. I think the way she has it written now erodes people's respect for Scripture.


Despite the fact that I don't appreciate her means, I think her main points may have some validity. In essence, Stasi argues that women have three basic longings, and that most destructive behavior and attitudes stems from repressing these longings. She says that if females can recognize these longing and learn to pursue their fulfillment in a healthy way, they will have discovered "what it means to be a woman," or "the heart of femininity."

Stasi says that every girl/woman wants "to be romanced," "an irreplaceable role in a great adventure," and "to unveil beauty." I think this might be true of every person, but I won't go into that here. In explanation of her first longing, Stasi explains that women want someone to pursue them, someone to work for their love. She uses the example of her boyfriend (now husband) leaving poetry on the windshield of her car and craving her a wooden heart.

While I think it's really important to do things like that in a relationship, I also think that different people express love in different ways, and for a lot of people being romance looks nothing like poems and carvings. For some people, being romanced is a lot more low-key. I do believe in Love Languages, and I think there is an over idealization of one or two of them that has made courtly love all flowers and poetry, whereas in reality there is a much greater spectrum to the expression of love.

However, I agree that the desire to be pursued/romanced is a legitimate, healthy desire and it's great if women want to pursue that. As a guy, I would generally try to make my girlfriend/wife feel 'romanced' although I think I would try to make it a little more down-to-earth because a lot of girls I know would feel pretty uncomfortable with some of the ideas Stasi suggests (such as leaving notes on windshields.)

By "an irreplaceable role in a great adventure," Stasi seems to mean an important and integral, yet ultimately supportive role in the quest of a man. She compares this to being the heroine in a war movie or action-drama. She uses such examples as Cora from The Last of the Mohicans or Arwen and Eowyn in The Lord of The Rings.

I am a man on a mission. I want to spend my life helping youth become more like Jesus Christ. That is what I have decided to commit my life to, and I will pour most of my talents, abilities and resources unto that altar unless I get a clear message from God instructing me otherwise. I see myself as a soldier in the Lord's army, and I have standing orders to advance the Kingdom, particularly in the youth world. As such, the idea of a woman who is committed to the same or similar mission is extremely attractive to me. Yet more attractive is the idea of a woman who is committed to such a ministry and wants to partner with me in this mission (and others, for example, raising children.)

I think woman like that are great, but I'm not sure that every woman has that desire or need. Firstly, I think some women are drawn to missions that do not have a significant male figure, because I know that, biblically speaking, some women (and men) are called to celibacy. Perhaps Stasi meant for the masculine figures in her examples to represent God, rather than a husband, but she didn't say that. If she meant God and not a husband, then it seems to me like the exact same thing could be said of men.

I didn't mean for this to be this long, because the main point I wanted to address was her third, on unveiling beauty. However, I think I will do this in a separate post, because I am kinda tired. The topic of feminine beauty is a whole other discussion, and I would like to be able to devote an entire post to it.

I know I seem pretty critical of Captivating, but I really don't dislike it. I know it has done a lot of god for a lot of people, and I respect that. I more dislike the method of it, but I think the message and points are very good. Also, I admit that I have only read a small part of it so far, and my opinion could change a lot. I am going to read the whole thing and reserve judgement until the end. These are only my thoughts so far.




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If you are a girl, I would LOVE to hear your opinions on this, especially on Stasi three desires of the feminine heart. You know I always love any kind of comment, but I especially would like to hear what you ladies think on this one, because I acknowledge that I am in no way qualified or informed on this subject. If you (guys and girls) have read Captivating, I would also love to hear your comments on the book.

Purity

I know this topic has been done to death in some Christian circles, but I feel the need to weigh in. Today we had the all-hall meeting at Moody, which is basically a meeting where you get introduced to the residence life staff and talk about some policies and some plans for the year for your dorm. Every year for the last while, the leadership of Moody have talked about the issues of masturbation and pornography, which I think is really important. Please understand that this article is for Christians, only. If you are not a Christian, you will probably not understand my view on this at all. Right now, I am not explaining it. Once again, this is written only for Christians.

More than half of male Moody students eventually admit that they were using pornography at the time they arrived at Moody. I would strongly suspect that there are many who never admit to it. I also suspect that pornography and masturbation use among girls is much higher than statistics would suggest because there is much more shame and secrecy associated with sexual sin among females than among males. (1 in 3 users of porn sites are female.)

Honestly, I think the Church as a whole handles issues of sexual sin almost as badly as it possibly could. At most churches, the most any pastor will do to address sexual sin is preach a vague sermon once a year on the dangers of sexual sin. For a nation that idolizes sex, this is simply not good enough. For too long the Church has swept all issues sexual into a corner.

This is neither Biblical nor effective. Most of today's Christian youth are struggling with sexual sin, and very little it being said to them about it. Most of today's Christian youth would like to be free of sexual sin, but they don't know how to be. It's not as simple as 'try harder, pray more, and just stop sinning.' There are people in their churches that know how to help, but the addicts are afraid that, if they reveal their sin, they will be judged and rejected. This is especially true among women.

Also, rarely do the people that know how to help talk about it. People who are struggling have no idea who to go to or how they will be received because the Church refuses to give it the necessary public attention.

If we could be open and honest about the problem, we would be very close to solving it. However, for that to happen, people have to know that they won't be judged and ridiculed for admitting that they have a problem. And that means that people who aren't struggling in this area need to step out and talk about sexual sin, and admit that they have done things that are just as bad, because all sin really is equally heinous in the eyes of God. We need people to offer to talk to those who may be struggling with sexual sin and let them know that it's okay, even good, to come forward. And we need those struggling with sin to be passionate enough for God that they are willing to confess their sins to others in order to work toward holiness.

I think another big problem in the Church is that we don't really value purity. We degrade and shame people who aren't pure, but we don't really praise or honor those who are. I think this especially important across the gender barrier. If guys knew that girls respected them for not masturbating, rather than thinking there was something wrong with them, there would be that much more motivation for purity. In the same way, if guys would refrain for channeling their interest towards the most flirty, most scantily dressed girl, and rather honored purity among women instead of making fun of it, be could raise up our sisters in Christ in a new way.

I am a part of a group called the Barbarians, which deals with much, much more than sexual sin. We are a fraternity of Christian all over the world that strive to live all out for God. We strive to excel in all areas of Godliness, from speech to good study habits to emotional control to sin issues such as pride, lust, etc. If you are a Moody man, and you would like to join the group, let me know and we would be happy to talk to you about the possibility of joining. If you are a man from somewhere else interested in starting or finding a local chapter, send me a message and I will see if there is a group in your area or where we should go from there. If you are a female, there is a sister group (which I believe calls themselves the fairies) that I may be able to connect you too.

If you struggle with sexual sin, I want to say a few things to you.

1. You're not a freak. God still loves you. We, the Church, still love you. We won't judge you, we won't condemn you, we won't think you're weird or that we're better than you.

2. It's not okay. Sexual sin is an offense to God. Paul says, "Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a man commits are outside his body, but he who sins sexually sins against his own body. Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body." -1 Corinthians 6:18-20.

3. You can't deal with it on your own. Sexual sin is addictive, powerful, and isolating. God made sex to bring intimacy, Satan twists sex to make it isolating. Because of this, you CANNOT break the cycle on your own. James 5:16 says, "Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective."

4. Tell someone. Actually, I suggest telling at least two people. Tell a spiritual leader, such as a pastor, mentor, small group leader, etc. And tell a close Christian friend of the same sex. Confess and repent, and then have them keep you accountable to breaking free from sin. What you should not do is tell everyone. Doing so might drag a weaker Christian down.

5. Be willing to do whatever is necessary to pursue holiness. If that means you need get rid of the internet on our computer, get rid of some music or movies, or get a different job, do it. Any part of your life that is dragging you into sin needs to be cast off. This is what Jesus meant when he said, "And if your right hand causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to go into hell." (Matthew 5:30.)

6. Check out some resources. Look around at XXXChurch.com. They have a lot of help for both men and women, as well as some free internet accountability software. Also, Covenant Eyes has some good reasources as well as some better accountability software. (Albiet, not free.) I am still looking for a good book on this subject, if you find on, let me know. The one on XXXChurch.com's website looks really good, but I haven't read it.



I know this topic might be awkward for a lot of you reading this. Honestly, I think you need to get over it. We live in a highly sexualized culture, and if we want to be in the world, we need to be comfortable with addressing sin (but not with sinning.) Most of you know I feel God's call to be a youth pastor. Sexual sin is one of the issues amoung youth (but not only youth) that desperately needs to be talked about. I am very passionate about addressing these issues openly and boldly, and I am not going to sit down or shut up about them. They need to be discussed. If you don't think that the Church should be talking about issues like this, I want to know what Bible you're reading. Whenever there was a tough, disgusting, hard to deal with issue, the prophets talked about it, Jesus talked about it, and the apostles talked about it. I'm going to talk about it, and maybe you should too.